


How Lucky We Are to Be Alive Right Now

by Sohotthateveryonedied



Series: Whumptober 2020 [31]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Bruce Wayne is So Done, Candy Corn Debate, Crack (Sorta), Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Humor, Tired Parent Bruce Wayne, Whumptober 2020, but i'm also mature enough to know that you're legally obligated to eat it anyway, his kids switch costumes and he's So Done, listen i don't like candy corn and think it's disgusting, on halloween at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:22:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27316963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sohotthateveryonedied/pseuds/Sohotthateveryonedied
Summary: “Dick?” Bruce says.“Hm?” His mouth is full of waxy sugar.“Where are your clothes?”Dick is wearing the original Robin costume from his early days in the boots and cape. The outfit is at least two sizes too small, the cape only reaching the small of his back. Upon further inspection, Bruce can see that he waxed his legs for this. Jesus Christ.
Relationships: Bruce Wayne & Everyone
Series: Whumptober 2020 [31]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1948297
Comments: 21
Kudos: 485





	How Lucky We Are to Be Alive Right Now

**Author's Note:**

> Whump Day 31 Alternative Prompt: "Found Family"
> 
> THANK GOD WHUMPTOBER IS OVER I'M SO TIRED OH MY GOSH.

“You’re crazy.”  
  
 _“You’re_ crazy. And you have no taste buds.”   
  
“Can’t we just agree to disagree?”   
  
“No, actually, we can’t. You’re wrong and here’s why.” Jason pops another handful of candy corn in his mouth, talking as he chews. “Fact number one: Candy corn is the best Halloween snack in existence.”   
  
“Debatable,” Bruce says.   
  
_“Not_ debatable. It’s been scientifically proven.”   
  
“No, it—”   
  
“Excuse me, I’m talking. Fact number two: You are notoriously known for your inability to enjoy anything that’s good.”   
  
“Name one.”   
  
“Kids’ birthday parties.”   
  
“Anime,” Tim chimes in. He’s sitting in the armchair beside Bruce, his legs hanging off the arm of it. _I’m gay, Bruce,_ Tim says whenever Bruce asks him to sit straight. _I’m legally obligated to sit this way._   
  
“Amusement parks.”   
  
“Reality television.”   
  
“Please stop,” Bruce says. If his leg weren’t broken, he would have already stood up and fled the conversation. “And candy corn tastes like candle wax.”   
  
“Lies,” Jason says. “And it’s not about the taste, anyway. It’s about the Halloween spirit, which you have none of.”   
  
“It’s true,” Dick’s voice says from the staircase. “What are we debating about?” Finally, someone with some sense. Then Bruce sees what he’s wearing and his soul disintegrates.   
  
“Whether or not candy corn is a valid food,” Tim says with a snicker. “Nice costume.”   
  
“Candy corn is awesome.” Dick grabs a handful from the bowl in Jason’s lap and shoves it into his mouth, several pieces falling to the carpet.   
  
“Dick?” Bruce says.   
  
“Hm?” His mouth is full of waxy sugar.   
  
“Where are your clothes?”   
  
Dick is wearing the original Robin costume from his early days in the boots and cape. The outfit is at _least_ two sizes too small, the cape only reaching the small of his back. Upon further inspection, Bruce can see that he waxed his legs for this. Jesus Christ.   
  
Dick strikes a pose, which makes Bruce wish he could pluck out his own eyeballs and soak them in brine for a week or two. “Didn’t think I’d be able to fit into it again, huh?”   
  
“My retinas are burning.”   
  
“Sounds like someone is jealous of my sculpted thighs and calves.”   
  
“More like mortified,” Jason says. He mimes sticking his fingers down his throat and gags.   
  
“I told him not to wear it,” Damian says. He comes down the stairs next, dressed in a miniature Batman costume. In Bruce’s professional opinion, it is the cutest thing that has ever happened in the history of the world. It takes every ounce of self-control he has to keep from taking a picture.   
  
“I’ve missed having my legs free,” Dick says. “The Nightwing suit can be so _restricting.”_   
  
“You can always change it to a leotard and short-shorts,” Tim offers. Dick makes a face like he’s actually considering it, which Bruce can _not_ allow in good conscience.   
  
“Are you two going trick-or-treating?” he asks, not so subtly changing the subject.   
  
Damian clicks his tongue. “That’s for babies. We’re going out on patrol.”   
  
“Dressed like that? No way.”   
  
“Why not? We’re still technically Batman and Robin,” Dick says.   
  
“No one will take Batman seriously if they find out he’s running around Gotham in a children’s costume with _panties.”_   
  
“Yeah? Get up and make me take it off, then.”   
  
Tim makes a face. “I would prefer it if you didn’t. This is already more of you than I’ve ever wanted to see.”   
  
A whistle pierces the air and Bruce wants to die. Cass, Steph, and Duke appear from what Bruce is almost positive was thin air, crowding into the living room as if they have nothing better to do on Halloween night than make Bruce’s life difficult. Stephanie is dressed as Red Hood, Cass as Nightwing, and Duke as Spoiler. Because of course they are.   
  
Stephanie’s eyebrows raise when she gets a look at Dick’s outfit. “Wowie wow. You can really see everything in those things, huh?”   
  
Duke reaches over and covers Cass’ eyes. “Look away, Cassie. Keep your innocence for just a little longer.”   
  
“You can’t patrol dressed in each other’s costumes,” Bruce says.   
  
Duke crosses his arms. “Why not? I think we look good.”   
  
“That costume is too small for you.”   
  
Duke wraps the cape around himself, pulling down the hood to cover his face. “Not if I swaddle myself like this.” Bruce rolls his eyes.   
  
In fact, none of the costumes seem to fit correctly. The Nightwing costume hangs off of Cass’ frame like a child playing dress-up in her parent’s clothes. Jason’s jacket engulfs Stephanie and the pants are rolled up to her ankles. Then he notices the guns in her holsters.   
  
“Are those _real guns?”_   
  
“Jason lent them to me for the night.”   
  
Bruce looks over at Jason, who shrugs. “What? She was very convincing.”   
  
“Stephanie, please put the guns away before someone loses an eye.”   
  
Steph gasps. “You don’t _trust_ me? Me, your daughter?”   
  
“You’re not my daughter.”   
  
“Says the government.” She takes one of the pistols from its holster and twirls it around like a western gunslinger. “I’m a natural, see?”   
  
“I feel extremely unsafe right now.”   
  
Tim cackles, tossing a candy corn in the air and tossing it in his mouth. “I told you guys Bruce wouldn’t like the idea.”   
  
“And who are you dressing as, Tim? Poison Ivy?”   
  
“I’m skipping patrol tonight, actually. The others have got it covered. My plan is to sit at home eating candy with the lights off so trick-or-treaters don’t think I’m home.”   
  
Dick rolls his eyes. “Thrilling.”   
  
“Can I join?” Jason asks.   
  
“I thought you and Roy were taking Lian trick-or-treating tonight.”   
  
“Yeah, but her bedtime is at eight and Roy has a thing, so there’s nothing better for me to do. And Alfred said I’m not allowed to do mindless vandalism on rich people’s lawns anymore.”   
  
Bruce’s eyes widen. “You vandalize people’s homes?”   
  
“Only the asshole ones. You’re on thin ice, though.”   
  
“You should have dressed up with us,” Steph tells him. “You would make a good Batgirl.”   
  
“I’m already dressed up, actually.” Jason gestures to his sweatshirt and jeans.   
  
Bruce’s forehead wrinkles. “As what?”   
  
“A disappointment.”   
  
Damian snorts. “So you’re dressing up as Red Robin, then?”   
  
That gets a laugh from everyone except from Tim, who pelts a handful of candy corn at Damian. “Fuck you guys, I’m cool.”   
  
Dick pats him on the shoulder. “Sure you are, Timmy.” Tim flips him the bird.   
  
Bruce can feel a headache forming behind his eyes. He closes them, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Can I trust you all to at _least_ keep to the shadows so nobody recognizes you? I don’t want to wake up and find you all on the front page of the newspaper tomorrow.”   
  
Dick winks before plastering a green domino to his eyes. “No promises. C’mon, Lil D, Gotham awaits.”   
  
The others follow, pulling on their own masks. “Don’t wait up,” Steph says with a giggle.   
  
Bruce would be lying if he said he isn’t relieved when the door closes. He looks at Jason and Tim, who are now fighting over the bowl of candy corn as if it’s a priceless jewel, rather than a bowl of the most disgusting candy known to man. “Can I trust you both to be normal for the rest of the night?”   
  
“Probably not,” Tim says. “But I’m open to negotiations.”   
  
Bruce sighs.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> And that's it for Whumptober, folks! I hope you enjoyed the ride! And in the spirit of halloweenies, tell me in the comments what your favorite horror movies are because mine are horror shows and they’re Hill House and Bly Manor because they make me cry like a baby and I love them. Anyway HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEEEN!!!
> 
> [Feel free to mosey on down to my Tumblr!](http://sohotthateveryonedied.tumblr.com/)


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